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How To End Human Suffering
A Conservative Plan to End America's Reliance on Foreign Oil

I’m currently employing a team of scientists to find a way to turn the “excess goodness” of obese people into an alternative fuel. It’s my dream that someday every portly person will have an unobtrusive, little, plastic, access port in their belly. (The “portly” slash “port” wordplay will be used in the marketing.) When these (not literally) goodhearted people pull up to the pump, the pump will be able to pump them! Supersized Americans will merely take a vacuum-like handle, stick it into their unobtrusive, little, plastic, access ports, jam it up and down into themselves, over and over, as hard as they can (imagine “self-liposuction”), until every last ounce of “extra decency” is extracted and turned into alternative fuel that can then be poured into their “gas” tanks. Before they leave, the slightly thinner people will just need to visit one of the on-site fast-food drive-thru windows so they can fuel up again. This alternative source of energy should tide us over until the scientists I’m employing can, ultimately, find a way to fuel our vehicles with despair.

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