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How To End Human Suffering
A Conservative Plan to End American Unemployment

The “experts” say we need to create thirty million jobs to get America going again. They propose tax-cuts—for the rich—to stimulate job creation. Speaking as a trillionaire, I know I create all kinds of jobs by hoarding vast sums of wealth. (I assume I do, anyway.) And I'm sure we, the rich, will get around to creating all kinds of really great jobs for the unemployed that will make everybody super happy but, if I can speak for the rich, and since I'm richer than the rich, I can, let me just say, we don't like to be rushed. We do things at our own pace. (We're always pretty busy adjusting our ascots, pocket squares, and monocles.) And it's pretty much impossible to create jobs when everybody is watching us. (We hate it when you're watching us.) Also, in truth, we might never get around to creating any jobs. If you give us tax cuts, we might just roll around naked in all that extra money. (We really like doing that.) So I've taken it upon myself to come up with a bold solution to your silly little unemployment problem.

Kill the unemployed.

Imagine all the jobs this will create! We'll have to build facilities in which to murder the unemployed. This will create jobs in the construction industry. Roads will need to be built and maintained leading to and from the killing facilities. This will create jobs in the roadworks world. We'll have to hire murderers. This will create employment opportunities in the killer business.

I know what you're thinking. It sounds expensive. Getting rid of thirty million lazy, entitled weasels (we have to dehumanize them to make the killing easier) isn't going to be cheap. Luckily I've already thought of that and come up with a solution.

Repurpose existing infrastructure.

Instead of building shiny new facilities for executing the shiftless unemployed, we can just use schools. (I'm sure children won't mind sharing their institutions; aren't we always trying to teach children about sharing? It'll certainly be very educational to have worthless adults marching to their deaths through the halls just outside the classrooms! Study hard, kids! You want to get a job, don't you?) We can even use school buses to transport the disgusting pig unemployed to the schools. Once the unemployed are all crammed inside the gymnasiums we've made airtight, we can release the discount poison gas (I'm sure we can get a great deal if we buy poison gas in bulk!)

Obviously there's a problem with repurposing existing infrastructure: we won't be creating that many new jobs. We won't be building new facilities; we won't be building roads to and from those new facilities; and we won't be hiring murderers. I argue this is actually a good thing. If we create a lot of new jobs, that will only add to the already overwhelming size of government. Big government is evil because it wants to take money away from me, and others like me, who earned our money the old fashioned way, by pirating it, and it wants to give our money to poor people who only want a chance to work really hard for a small amount of it, but whom it'd be easier (and surely more humane!) to just execute (along with their entire families). (Did I mention we should execute their entire families?)

How are we going to convince the unemployed it's in their best interests to let us kill them? Well, I think we should tell them we want to give them their unemployment benefits, like usual. Then we should tell them there's something we want to show them on this school bus over here. (You can see where I'm going with this.) Once word gets out that everyone who shows up for unemployment benefits is getting executed, I think that will really cut down on the number of people applying for unemployment benefits. At least among the somewhat intelligent.

Then we're going to have to get a little more creative. We could start knocking on doors during the day and grabbing anyone who's at home during business hours, but that would require hiring a lot of people to do the door-knocking, be expensive, contribute to big government, etc. So what I suggest we do is advertise Job Fairs in local newspapers and on the radio. In addition to being a boon for struggling old-fashioned media, this will be an excellent way to round up large numbers of the unemployed.

These phony Job Fairs can be held in high school gymnasiums. As you probably guessed, these gymnasiums will be air-tight poison gas death traps! In addition to killing all the unemployed, we'll also be killing all the actors we hired to play the parts of prospective employers, so we won't have to pay them, saving taxpayers lots of money, and cutting down on the size of government. (We might borrow this idea and look to killing other government workers as a way of shrinking government.)

When all the job seekers are dead, we can just hire a couple of kids to go through all the corpses' pockets, find their wallets, and dig out their IDs, so we can find the unemployed's home addresses, track down their families, and kill them, too. That way there won't be any dependents left suffering (i.e., complaining). (And we can always refuse to pay the kids that went through the corpses' pockets because what are they going to do?)

If, in the future, once we get rid of the thirty million unemployed, big business sees fit to outsource or cut even more jobs, we can just kill those future unemployed people, too.

There is the somewhat troublesome problem of what to do with dead bodies of thirty million people and their entire families. Giving each of the deceased a decent burial is out of the question. That would be astronomically expensive and create mind-boggling government bureaucracy. Burning them would create choking clouds of smoke. It'd look pretty apocalyptic, and that's cool, but it'd be pretty bad for the environment. Obviously mass graves are the way to go. But who's going to dig these mass graves? And what equipment are they going to use? I think we need to turn to the Chinese at this point.

American workers and equipment are just far too expensive for our purposes. American workers expect to be treated like human beings. The Chinese like to work cripplingly long hours under extremely dangerous conditions for slave wages with no benefits and I think that's the sort of mindset we're looking for here. Furthermore, some might say, [certainly not me, but others, (racists obviously, horrible, despicable bigots)], there are so many Chinese people, they're pretty much disposable. I think that's what we need. We have to work quick and dirty so there are going to be lots and lots of horrible accidents. Fortunately we'll have handy access to graves. Instead of treating the wounded, we can just bury them. That's one of the (many) benefits of not dealing with unions.

I know I probably caused some concern when I raised the idea of using Chinese equipment. Products made in China are generally substandard because they're made by broken people who are paid poorly and treated terribly. I suppose that's one way of looking at things: a glass-half-empty way. There's definitely a more positive way to interpret the situation. I argue that, even though it's outsourced all its manufacturing operations to China, and pretty much all its workers are Chinese, except for the slave-drivers, pardon me, supervisors, the company that will be providing the vast majority of our digging equipment is actually American. All its (considerable) profits are still in American hands. The company was born in America. So what if it moved to China? Johnny Depp has a house in France. You don't say he's French, do you? No. He's American. (And a national treasure!)

One of the last (and lasting) things we need to consider is what to do with unsightly fields of dirt hiding the bodies of the unemployed, their families, actors who played prospective employers at job fairs, and the Chinese people we hired to bury all the other people (we were never going to pay those poor souls). I suggest we create a system whereby schoolchildren earn badges or ribbons for planting a certain number of wildflowers on the fields of the dead. The fields of wildflowers will serve as beautiful reminders that children are suckers, the unemployed and their families are an intolerable burden we can't afford, and zombies have babies with no regard to the state of the world because babies are “cute” and zombies “want one.”

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