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How To End Human Suffering

Satire
from the point-of-view of Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies'
Guy Boy Man:  trillionaire teenage pirate and spiritual leader
NEW  A Conservative Position on Feeding the Homeless

Recently, anti-Christian and un-patriotic monsters have begun feeding the homeless in America. Unsurprisingly, this has led to a dramatic increase in homelessness. Shopping-cart-pushing, layer-wearing, long-haired, bearded losers have begun filling our parks and wandering our streets, begging for change.
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A Conservative Position on Arming Teachers

Recently unpatriotic lobbyists have been proposing we put police officers in our schools to protect our children from heavily armed madmen. While this tyrannical idea would certainly help us force out the last few black youths who haven't already been driven out of school by other forms of institutional racism, it's a wildly expensive big government liberal plan that must be rejected.
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A Conservative Position on Shootings


Whenever a shooting occurs, it's a time for reflection. Not too much reflection, though. Shootings occur pretty much all the time in America, and if we reflected on them a lot, all we'd be doing is thinking.
 
           
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A Conservative Position on Drug-Testing Welfare Recipients

Recently the idea of drug-testing welfare-recipients has come into the public consciousness. It's about time! Someone must hold these dumb and lazy miscreants accountable! Hopefully no one will ever look to hold accountable those who force them to live in squalor by failing to educate, motivate, and incorporate them, because then attention might turn to us.

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A Conservative Position on How To Get Rich In America   

It's recently come to my attention that there's a serious problem in America. It seems that I, Guy Boy Man, may have (inadvertently) caused a crisis in the global financial system when I became unspeakably wealthy.   
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A Conservative Position on Climate Change 

Whether you believe that climate change is caused by human activity or not, one thing is certain: pollution is good.    
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A Conservative Plan to End American Unemployment


 The “experts” say we need to create thirty million jobs to get America going again. They propose tax-cuts—for the rich—to stimulate job creation. Speaking as a trillionaire, I know I create all kinds of jobs by hoarding vast sums of wealth.    
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A Conservative Position on Child Labor

Recently politicians have been discussing the possibility of changing our archaic labor laws to allow children the freedom to work for punishingly long hours with hardly any pay, since their parents are unable, or unwilling, to do so, in order to compete with other Third World countries. I feel these politicians don't go far enough.    
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A Conservative Plan to End America's Reliance on Foreign Oil

I’m currently employing a team of scientists to find a way to turn the “excess goodness” of obese people into an alternative fuel.    
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A Conservative Plan to Rebuild America

America is crumbling. Irresponsible liberals say we should invest in our infrastructure, despite our crippling debt and deficits. They say grand projects create jobs, optimism, and a legacy for our children. How do they propose paying for all this? They say the (big) government should impose fair taxes on people like me, the ultra wealthy.    
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TOP SECRET:  The Zombie Plan to End All Abortion

Even though Jesus never said a word against abortion, and He certainly would have loved and accepted those women who have the procedure and the doctors who perform them, and He would have surrounded Himself with those people because they're marginalized, abortion is an abomination and we must condemn, persecute, prosecute, and punish all who are associated with it.   
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